It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

I have been answering these same questions about the new year for 20 years now. Ya, some of the questions sound like something a teen would ask... I considered looking for a new list, but my love of tradition and consistency won out and voila, this year's year in review:

1.     What did you do in 2017 that you'd never done before?

Perhaps a more fitting 2017 question would be what did you not do? 2017 included crazy amounts of exploration! New friends, new adventures, new cities to visit (Key West road trip!), new business opportunities, my first broken bone (ouch!).

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I did keep my new year’s resolution which was to practice mindfulness a trick for hacking my brain to rewire it towards more peace and light. This year I really want to ramp up my website, that’s a good resolution, and the year of yes and mindfulness will also continue.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Sarah had a beautiful baby girl, our babiest belle ;)

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Our dear friend and neighbor Dave died.  He was an integral part of why my town feels like a home, really the first time I’ve ever called the place I live home in many decades so that’s no small thing. 

Also my lovely dog Sissy died, after 16 years of companionship.  We still miss her every day, she was an amazing pet.

5. What countries did you visit?

I had 3 rather earth shattering trips to the states this year, 2017 started off right with an epic road trip with my bestie Leeleeboo to Key West for an underwater surprise proposal! (blog post still to follow, this is what I mean about needing to focus on my website) Along the way to this great shoot we had lots of little mini adventures including, meeting an acro yoga friend at the park, losing a windshield wiper in a mountain snow storm, not getting to meet the groundhog on groundhog day and staying at a beach front resort when our air bnb was scary and then lost power.

Next came what should have been a routine trip to my family in Keene Valley then turned out to be a meteor shower that changed every. Single. thing.

Finally came Pole Expo in Las Vegas, a week full of fun, networking, shooting amazing images, bonding, one fractured ankle and a flight delay that would never end. HA! And they want me to go back again this year!!! I am not sure if I am scared or excited about that possibility, hey by the way I learned this year that fear and excitement are the same chemical reaction in your body so it is easy to confuse the two.  Try to look at fear closely and see if it could really be excitement then be brave and embrace it!

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

2017 lacked luck maybe, is the best way to say it.  I tried to plan more, to be prepared, to set intentions, to follow through but I was met with closed doors and a broken collarbone that quite literally forced me to sit still, stop, wait and heal only.  No more hustle, no more goals, just heal.  I am still trying to decipher these lessons from 2017 because as much as I had the universe give me some clear hard NO! not that path, I also got so many happy unexpected joys and gifts.  Looking at the surface I would say it was the worst year ever, but how can I say that when I am happy, and the majority of the year I was happy, and I was blessed.

7. What date from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

The Blanket Story.  Coming soon to a theatre near you ;)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Learning about the value of my inner feminine.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I’ve made some mistakes this year, of that we can be sure.  However, each of my failures have had a silver lining.  I have an incredible ability to remain zen in the face of conflict and turmoil.  I am a warrior and like a cat I always seem to land on my feet.  Not often gracefully, but at the very least comically, and sometimes that is the best you can ask for, the ability to laugh at yourself.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I am typically a person who rarely gets sick, and this year I had a broken collar bone as well as a fractured ankle and losing my mobility was incredibly difficult for me.  I am a very active person.  I have two full time jobs and two kids so I am used to being on the go constantly, to become immobile was excruciating.  It was not only painful, but harsh wake up call to me that my life was actually on fast forward and needed a complete mental and physical pause.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Our new puppy Truffle!

Also my ring toss game and my tiaras. Both brought me so much joy!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Darling Satii, my best friend.  Thank you for proving your faith in me every day in every single way.  Thank you for taking about 100 calls of me in tears, for telling me to man up, for giving me a safe place to land when I could not, thank you for putting my kids first and being an excellent role model to them. Thank you for all the laughs, my sunshine. Thank you for setting the bar so high.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

There seem to be so many candidates for this award this year, it seemed every day there was a news article uncovering more hatred, evil, corruption, and hurt then the day before.  I think it was actually so overwhelming and then hopefully the first step towards healing that humanity needs this year, to let the light and the air onto the festering wounds we are creating.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Travel, and there is no better place to spend it.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

2017 was a great year for me and art, I predicted it last year and my art was a constant source of excitement for sure. Other than that though I have been more cautiously optimistic this year vs. excited.

16. What song will always remind you of 2017?

Angel by the Wings - Sia

Old soul, your wounds they show
I know you have never felt so alone
But hold on, head up, be strong
Oh hold on, hold on until you hear them come
Here they come, oh

Take an angel by the wings
Beg her now for anything
Beg her now for one more day
Take an angel by the wings
Time to tell her everything
Ask her for the strength to stay

You can, you can do anything, anything

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Happier, I think…. This is so tough to say so here I leave you with this meme:

ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner, and rebuilding my strength

iii. richer or poorer? This concept is now off to me…. monetarily richer, perhaps, spiritually richer, certainly, and blessed beyond measure.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

I would like to be dancing more.  Injuries lead me to be away from my Belles for months and that hurt me even more then the broken bone did.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

I regret nothing! :P

20. How did you spend Christmas?

I had my usual Christmas in addition to my very first vegan Christmas and it was full of love, great food and so many laughs.  Saved my holidays, so much love to Anna and family for including me xox.

21. Did you fall in love in 2017?

I fell hard and fast like a shooting star falls burning to the earth.

24. What was your favorite TV program?

My guilty pleasure this year was watching 90 day finance.  I also enjoyed the new season of Peaky Blinders, Outlander and the Handmaids Tale.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No, hate is so worthless. And karma came to my rescue, so have some faith in that.

26. What was the best book you read?

Lee and I listened to the 50 shades trilogy on our road trip, does that count?  Haha it was the only book I “read” but I wouldn’t say it’s the best one, although made for a fun girls trip soundtrack!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Jessie Reyez was my new discovery this year, I love her imperfect voice and cutting lyrics.

28. What did you want and get?

I hope he loves you like this ~ Poem by Annabelle Blythe

I hope he holds your hand proudly as you walk through a room of people you don’t know.

I hope he builds you up until you are standing on a pedestal of your own creation.

I hope he encourages you to make art, take risks, travel the world, be alone – always knowing that you’ll be back home in his warm embrace as long as his heart is open.

I hope he wears his heart on his sleeve and is not shy to adorn yours as well.

I hope he is the kind of person who, when presented with the ocean, will not shy away from diving in to ride the waves.

I hope he is all of himself unafraid to own his stories no matter how dark they may seem.

I hope that he can see that all of you is in the stars poking through the dark sky of your past.

I hope he is not scared by your ability to choose growth.  Your ability to not be held hostage by the person you were yesterday, last week, last year.

I hope his attention span is as long as every word that exists in your mouth, your heart.  I hope that he hears your truth and meets it with gratitude for your vulnerability.

I hope he loves you in a way you didn’t know love existed. For you have only seen love in other places with shaky ground that fell beneath your hopeful feet.

This is who I hope for you – Because you are worthy of being loved by a heart so bright the sun blushes in admiration.

Check, check and double check! Got it <3

29. What did you want and not get?

I wanted so many things that I did not get, everything is still working out though so….. this thing called life is just a mystery I guess.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

La La Land, I love musicals and this one was exceptionally well done.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 28 and I celebrated birthday month with a glitter fox costume, Tori Amos concert, trip to a Castle with my love, dinner with all my nieces and nephews and eating as many free things possible because it’s my birthday.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably satisfying?

This is a really tough one.  “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times” has never rung truer.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us.

But how can I fault a year just because it brought me tough love, because it also brought me sweet love, so that makes this year still immeasurably satisfying.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?

I am still proudly rocking the spanks pants and onsies! And now I also have quite the collection of pole shorts (who needs pants!?!). This is still true

34. What kept you sane?

Inner strength and resolve.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I am very into John Wineland, I have listened to most of his lectures and find him to be innovative, creative, wise and refreshingly honest.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

#metoo

37. Who did you miss?

I missed my dad a lot this year.  It’s true the death of a parent never truly leaves you.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Jake <3

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017:

There is value in femininity.  A modern woman is strong, independent, capable and fearless, all amazing traits.  But the very strongest woman is also vulnerable, open, compassionate, and emotional.  She understands when to change the world with a wrecking ball of wrath or with open loving arms and forgiveness.  When the nurturing mother in us can co-exist with our warrior shield maiden then we have unstoppable power to impact our universe.

Happy New Year!!!

The world is full of dead squirrels who couldn't make a decision. Don't be a squirrel.

This is me dressed as a mermaid on my private beach in Key Largo the day after I shot an underwater surprise proposal.  Its a photo that represents the culmination of an amazing journey I have been on, a journey that started with one little word, yes.
I noticed one day that I was really great at saying no.  And I felt pretty proud of that, back then, I was a hell no kinda girl.  Like no I don't want to meet you, I don't want to try that thing you think is cool, I'm not a joiner, I do these things super good and I don't like to fail so I will just only do these things here in this box.  Then one day I did a really big thing, I adopted a baby girl with a special need.  Every single person in my life including my husband said not to do it.  It was the hardest most difficult thing I have ever done in my life, but I knew I wanted it since I was a small child, I knew I was born to do that.  And I moved mountains, to get it done, I convinced everyone it was a good idea, I learned to save money and not be a consumer so I could afford it, I fought the Ontario government at court to allow me to be her parent, I struggled to learn everything I could so I could be a good parent to her. And I did it and she is my soul mate and she is everything I knew I had to do with my life.  But once she was safe at home I realized I wanted more of that.  Maybe it was more adopting, because that is the most life altering thing I think anyone can do... but that didn't seem quite it.  I was stuck.  I felt unable to make any decision.  I really wanted to start my own photography business but my family had just followed me on this really big crazy dream and they told me: Stop.  This is enough.  Be satisfied.  Be happy here, stop now.  So for a while I did.  And I lost myself.  And I was full of shame and guilt that I should have all these blessings and still want more.  I just wanted to be more me.  One day I just started saying yes, I got invited to a concert but I thought the band was stupid and I had no one to go with so all of me wanted to say no, but instead I said yes.  And it was a great night! I decided from now on what if I just stop being indecisive and say yes to every single thing.  At least it would be some sort of choice that has to be better than no choice!  And that is how the year of yes was born.  The first 4 months, I hated every single yes with a passion.  I loved each and every experience though, and that was odd.  Why would I hate saying yes, have to fight myself so many times even though I was not getting negative results?  So I started keeping a journal of all the times I said yes, I said yes to tomatoes in my salad even though I hate tomatoes only to find out they are sort of okay and it nice to not have to pick around them.  I said yes to hanging out with a girl who sort of rubbed me the wrong way, 3 times I reluctantly said yes to her invitations and today she is a dear friend and one of the biggest advocates of my business and work.  Yes, I have a photography business.  Yes, now I am a successful published photographer.  I photograph underwater pole dancers, just because I said yes, and people who like to pretend to be mermaids and surprise proposals in Key West, and babies who were just adopted and are coming home on airplanes, and stay at home moms who don't think they are pretty, and a porn star and special needs kids too.  Because of yes.  I think it took me about 18 months to enjoy saying yes, at about the 12 month mark I knew that yes was always going to be uncomfortable but worth it.  I still get that feeling but it's shorter all the time now.  And there have been a lot of days I feel crazy, and I have lost a lot of people who I call the caterpillars, the ones who stay on snooze and repeat, and sometimes that is sad, and sometimes I doubt myself because the caterpillars think butterflies are crazy.  But I can't go back to caperpillaring its biologically impossible even if i wanted to.  

I read a quote recently that said: 

The world is full of dead squirrels who couldn't make a decision.  Don't be a squirrel.  

It can be easy to not do something because we fear the correct outcome, but the reality is that the fear is what holds us back from achieving.  In the spirit of my continued commitment to  yes I am excited to announce that I will be offering limited underwater pole portraits at Pole Expo 2017 this year in Las Vegas.  I am following this dream, as my dear friend Jocie once said, on a build it and they will come philosophy for this project.  I am looking forward to the connections that I know this will bring me, and the amazing people I will meet and the beautiful art we will create.  I hope you have said yes today and I look forward to seeing you in Vegas!

 The yes isn't the elf living in the wall its openness to hear the elf.

Time to step up your linked in profile - Head shots are a must!

the year in review 2016

I have been answering these same questions about the new year for 20 years now. Ya, some of the questions sound like something a teen would ask... I considered looking for a new list, but my love of tradition and consistency won out and voila, this year's year in review:

1.     What did you do in 2016 that you'd never done before?

I crossed several items off the bucket list this year.  Including the world’s best Wednesday, and visiting Iceland and France.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I did keep my new year’s resolution which was to keep to spirit of the year of yes going.  This year’s resolution will be centered on mindfulness.

 http://www.twinflames1111.com/blog/q-a/hack-your-brain-twin-union/

I will be following this formula for hacking my brain to rewire it towards more peace and light.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Shayla!! The other half of shalyvia had a beautiful baby girl.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No one close to me, but Leonard Cohen’s death was just incredibly sad for me.  He is a poet I’ve always identified with so deeply.  He was a creative inspiration too, the type of artist who was continually creating new work, that’s not easy but I always felt like he couldn’t stop creating even if he wanted to.  It was simply the realization that I would never get a new Leonard Cohen. These ones on earth I would have to make due with forever, there would be no more.  Now that being said his volume of work is as large as it is masterful, so to leave behind that legacy of words to us is such a huge gift.  I spent the day of his death sending his poems to everyone I love.  Still on my bucket list is a piece I want to shoot in a wheat field inspired by his song Hallelujah.  I actually cried when the field got harvested this summer before I got to make the project.

5. What countries did you visit?

Both France and Iceland. Some of the trip highlights for me were the beach and ocean and food in La Rochelle, France and my visit to Monkey Valley.  Monkey Valley was pretty much heaven on earth for me, my heart exploded with joy when I shook hands with a teeny tiny monkey with a mustache. Attending the Moulin Rouge in Paris in a designer gown and feeling like the belle of the ball.  Lazy days in the hot tub and couch at the foot of an Icelandic mountain under endless sunsets and northern lights. Witnessing my darling Bobo marry her love by the arctic ocean, and of course the day Jessie and I were brides gone wild.  In what has to be the most healing moment of female empowerment and artistic frenzy I’ve ever experienced.

6. What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?

2016 to some degree lacked focus.  I had lots of bursts of energy and excitement but also set backs and turmoil.  I felt sort of like a lighting bug bobbing around in the wind.  I am not complaining because over all that little bug flew into some amazing experiences and adventures, but I would like to start to define my goals and paths more now, it’s been two years of following the wind, and those lessons have been invaluable, but it’s time for something more in the middle of aimless and rigid.

7. What date from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I ate the yummiest blue berry pie, and I remember thinking to myself, take in this moment right now, etch it on your memory forever, this is one of the best days of your life, right now, you are living it. 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Learning to be more self-sufficient.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I’ve said this in many different ways each year, I don’t believe in failure.  I choose not to accept the choices or events in my life to be branded so negatively.  I did the best I could in that moment, in the future I tried to do better, and I always gave it my all.  I always said and acted my authentic self, and the results are this life I have.  That is no failure, just growth, and you can’t grow without these lessons.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

It was a very healthy year.  I am constantly having muscle aches and bruises but they are just badges of honor that show off my hard work. (using 2015’s answer because it still applies)

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My elf ears!! I seriously feel so beautiful wearing them.  I’ve always wanted to be a faerie.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

I am going to give the shout out to myself :P I think I faced some serious challenges this year with serenity, forgiveness, love and peace.  I think I have been the back bone for several of my good friends and family who’ve had an incredibly challenging year.  

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Obviously the Trumpster is the top of everyone’s list in this category right??? ….Continued depression that he is now president.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Travel, and there is no better place to spend it.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

I got really excited about my vision for my business, about how things I’ve been silently wishing for started to come to reality.  Dreams and collaborations bubbled to the surface and I just know that 2017 is going to be an amazing year for me artistically.

16. What song will always remind you of 2016?

"I Found" by Amber Run

And I'll use you as a warning sign
That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind
And I'll use you as a focal point
So I don't lose sight of what I want
And I've moved further than I thought I could
But I missed you more than I thought I would
And I'll use you as a warning sign
That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind

And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be
Right in front of me
Talk some sense to me

And I'll use you as a makeshift gauge
Of how much to give and how much to take
Oh I'll use you as a warning sign
That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? sadder

ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner, but stronger too

iii. richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

I would like to be dancing more; I had a tough year learning to balance by growing business, full time job and family.  There was some points I only got one hour a week of Brass Belles and that’s just not enough for my sanity.  4-6 hours a week is perfect for my mind and body so I am aiming to keep that a priority moving forward.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Fighting with myself.  I try to be true to myself as much as possible but I spent a good part of 2016 trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.  That’s all part of the self-discovery process but I wish I had surrendered sooner.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

We mixed up Christmas this year by inviting my bestie to join in our crazy family fun and experience his first “white” Christmas, complete with presents, turkey and sledding.  It was a hoot!  It was certainly a holiday to remember, so many laughs and fun. He was a great sport and wore an embarrassing holiday t-shirt (that I am pretty sure he would kill me if I made public here) and my new elf ears.  Look how holly jolly he is! That photo still makes me giggle every time I see it.

21. Did you fall in love in 2016?

“Now if you’re making tea for a girl, right, for nine months, don’t you think, guys. I mean, help me out here. Your noodle, it can hold a lot of information, right? But don’t you think you can remember how many sugars a girl takes in her tea after nine months?, Sugar, he brings me sugar…” –Tori Amos

24. What was your favorite TV program?

I have been watching less and less TV, not really as a conscious choice just that I have so much on the go, something has to give. That being said I liked Vikings this year.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No, hate is so worthless. And karma came to my rescue, so have some faith in that.

26. What was the best book you read?

I read Mountain Tale by Lori Lensens, it was a very good book and the only one I finished this year so it’s got to take the spot in this category but I would say that that author’s book Girls was one of my all-time favorites ever and still stays with me all these years later.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Hanna Georgas, she was the opening act at a concert I attended this summer, and I must say loved her music instantly and much preferred her performance to the main act.

28. What did you want and get?

More horsey time!  Got to ride a few times this year after not having ridden for quite a few years.  It’s my happy place.

29. What did you want and not get?

I think things I want and did not get are still available for me to have in the future.  To quote Tori yet again, “maybe my wish knew better than I did” it’s all about trusting that the place you are is exactly the place you are meant to be.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

I saw How to Be Single with Jen and we laughed so much that I missed half of the movie I think.  So it gets top spot not for the fact that it was exceptional cinema but because it was a super fun night with my best friend.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I celebrated birthday week with a trip to Cirque du Soleil with my pole friends it was a great night and a great week as well.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably satisfying?

This year was immeasurably satisfying. Wow that is five great years in a row, I am on a roll!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?

I am still proudly rocking the spanks pants and onsies! And now I also have quite the collection of pole shorts (who needs pants!?!). This is still true....

34. What kept you sane?

Brass Belles!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Cillian Murphy aka Tommy Shelby. (my crush is still going strong)

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Trump for President.  BARF

37. Who did you miss?

I missed the Owens in Keene Valley, I didn’t make my annual trip to the mountains this year and I miss it so much.  I have spent endless hours this year plotting and planning a way to get there even for a weekend, but it never came about. 

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Anna!!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016:

Sometimes your dreams are bigger then the person you want to share them with.  And that’s okay.  You are a whole entity on your own, capable of everything and anything.

Happy New Year!!!